


Simmer Down and Pucker Up.

by Alexander_Slamilton



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anxiety, Child Abuse, Depression, Everybody Lives, F/M, Happy Ending, I Don't Even Know, M/M, Multi, Post-War, Pre-War, Recreational Drug Use, Sexuality Crisis, Sirius Needs a Hug, That's it, What Was I Thinking?, and a cup of tea, apart from Lily, but that'll be later, happy fic, okay, sort of angsty, to
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-26
Updated: 2015-09-20
Packaged: 2018-04-17 10:29:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4663269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alexander_Slamilton/pseuds/Alexander_Slamilton
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which, Sirius has a diary, James has a sexuality crisis, Remus has OWLs, and Peter is oblivious.<br/>It's 1975 and Wish You Where Here By Pink Floyd has just come out, and James is more worried about quidditch than school.  </p><p>Basically, I used to write diary entries from Sirius' POV in class and I wanted to make them into a fic; so this is what came out of them... its not bad I think.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Oh, that boy's a slag.

_ October 8th 1975. _

_I’m not blind to my reputation. I know what people think of me. I know what they say behind my back. So when Marlene McKinnon whispered rather unsubtly, I mean I could hear it clear as day “Oh, that boy’s a slag.” It was the truth. I am a slag, but I didn’t think other people thought so as well. So here we are, I’m a slag and I’m in love. I’ve no idea what I’ll do about it; I’m 15 for god’s sake. I mean what was I supposed to do? About Marlene, though. I turned her hair blue. She didn’t even realize it was me. Only Remus did. Remus, he knows me too well. He gave me this sort of look you know the one with the eyebrow. Yeah that look, I think that’s when I realized I was totally fucked. Back to how well Remus knows me, I sometimes think he knows me better than James. James doesn’t know I like boys, I think Remus does sometimes cause he appears round corners a lot when I’m ‘busy’ with Benjy Fenwick._

_I don’t know what I should do about getting some sort of dignity back. Being the disgraced heir to the Black household that sucks boys’ cocks to piss of his mum forever doesn’t sound great. I dunno, maybe I should just suck it up and tell Remus I’m in love with him. Nah, that won’t work, he’ll hate me. I don’t know_.

 

 

Sirius Black was writing in his diary when James walked in causing his quill to slip in his haste to pack the diary up. James looked at him like he was mad but continued to empty his bag on his bed, before pulling out his transfiguration book and riffling through it.

 

“You alright mate?” he asked.

 

“Hmmm? What yeah I’m fine. You?”

 

“Okay, Padfoot, you’re scaring me; you’ve been acting strange all week.”

 

“I’m fine James, really, leave it yeah.” Sirius lay down and turned over, drawing the curtains around him.

 

He heard James leave, slamming the door behind him, he heard his footsteps echo down the spiral staircase. Sirius was left feeling highly conflicted, on one hand he really wanted to tell James; he needed his best mate, though on the other hand he didn’t want anyone to know because he was terrified of them hating him. He knew it would come out eventually, Sirius had always just denied the rumours to James (the rumours were really true but Prongs didn’t have to know) it was getting to the stage where his friend was more than suspicious. Sirius was terrified, every fiber of being shouted _just be straight!_ To him every day, though Sirius knew that wasn’t an option. He curled up into an even tighter ball, as though that would protect him from the outside world.

* * *

 

It was another few hours until his friends came up to the dorm; Remus opened the curtains to Sirius’ bed and climbed.

 

“Are you okay, Sirius?” he said, flicking a strand of hair out of his eyes.

 

“Yeah, I’m fine, just tired you know. All the work the bloody teachers give us, its like they want to kill us or something.” He grinned at Remus, though it seemed plastic and forced compared to his usual smile.

 

“You can tell me anything you know, I wont judge, remember.” Remus held a hand up to his body and gestured to himself.

 

“Thanks Moony, but I’m really okay.”

 

“Right. See you tomorrow, Pads.” Remus crawled out of the bed and Sirius could hear him cross the room to speak to James in hushed voices. He tried to hear what they were saying but they were too far away.

 

* * *

 

Sirius didn’t fall asleep until the sun was peaking over the horizon, which in Scotland in winter was at about six thirty, an hour before he had to get up. He had been too busy thinking about everything to fall asleep, the thoughts were racing about his head like angry hippogriffs.

 

He was quite proud of himself for getting up with the rest of the fifth years Gryffindors though. James didn’t ask him if he was okay, despite his black circles and unruly hair; he wasn’t sure what he should feel about that. It seemed his world was balanced so finely that a small dip in either direction was sure to make him feel even more lost. Remus looked at him a lot more, small glances in his direction each time their eyes met Sirius felt his stomach swoop and jumble about a bit. Peter seemed as oblivious as usual and was determined to get Sirius to comment on what his favourite type of spellotape charm was. Sirius was noncommittal to that conversation at best; instead of actually talking to Peter he was more grunting every now and then.

 

Their first lesson was DADA, something that Sirius and James usually excelled in; Sirius was relieved that he didn’t really have to try, he’d already read through the book and learnt most of what they’d be doing that year. He walked into the classroom with James and they sat in their usual spot, but they weren’t talking or laughing like they usually were. Instead Sirius just put his head down on his desk and made no move to talk to anyone. James glanced at Remus, who understood and swapped places. Remus leant over and patted Sirius on the back.

 

“Look Padfoot, I know you don’t want to but talking to someone could actually help. If you don’t want to say it out loud, you could just write it down and send me a note?” Remus tried, tentatively.

 

“I don’t know why everyone thinks I have a problem. I’m fine. Just leave me alone.” Sirius was getting quite frustrated, couldn’t they see he was just trying to work things out in his own head.

* * *

 

It was raining, though that was nothing new. The pitch was a blur of crimson and blue; the match was moving so fast the commentator (Gideon Prewett) was having a hard time trying to keep up. Sirius was flying this way and that way trying to keep the bludgers from hitting James or one of the chasers. A particularly good whack threw Anthony Boot from his broom, knocking his glasses spinning to the ground. James looked at him and grinned. There was something quite therapeutic about hitting things into people. For the first time in a week Sirius smiled back.

 

Quidditch was one of Sirius’ favourite things, of course as a pureblood heir he was expected to excel in everything from music, to sport, to French. Quidditch though, quidditch was something that had never felt unnatural to Sirius and on the pitch he and James made a formidable team. Their strategies won matches; the seventh year captain, Elion Wood had realized this from the moment they stepped into the tent as second years. Though Elion had now left, Gryffindor hadn’t lost a quidditch cup with them on the team.

 

The match was heated, Sirius heard Gideon scream “Seventy – Eighty to Gryffindor!” when James knocked the quaffle into the left ring. The Ravenclaw keeper was just too slow. They high-fived as James zoomed by. Sirius whacked another bludger in the direction of the Raven’s keeper; this time (where he had been unsuccessful three times before) the bludger hit its mark and the keeper was sent to the ground. The little dot in the stands that was Remus gave him what he thought was a thumbs up; he was glad no one could see his blush from up there.

 

“Come on, Frank, find that snitch you wanker!” Sirius shouted, Frank Longbottom gave him the finger though his eyes never stopped scanning the pitch.

 

James was celebrating his ninth goal by doing a loop-de-loop when Sirius saw it, the bludger headed for where he would be in ten seconds. Sirius sped toward it. His hands gripped the handle of his Silver Arrow.  He had his bat raised, ready to swing. Time seemed to stretch endlessly toward the now and the inevitable impact of his bat and the bludger. Just as James completed his loop-de-loop, Sirius swung his bat; the impact of such a hard hit nearly broke his hand but the bludger span away from James. Sirius had never seen such a shocked look on James’ face before. The other boy seemed stunned, before a massive, ear splitting grin broke his face and he clapped Sirius (rather hard) on the shoulder.

 

“Mate. You saved my bloody life!”

 

“Sure Prongs, any day.” Sirius said, before flying off to protect Martin Johnson who was making a break on goal.

 

“Oi! We were having a moment you bastard!” James shouted after him.

 

“It’s the middle of a quidditch match you idiot!” Sirius shouted back, after sending the bludger in the direction of Jake Farnwood (the other Gryffindor beater) in the hopes he’d send in the direction of someone who was a threat.

 

The match was dragging itself past the two-hour mark when Madame Hooch called for a break. Sirius gratefully flew toward the ground. The general consensus among the team was that they were all very surprised Ravenclaw were still playing with only five players.

 

“Frank, you really need to catch that snitch.” Martin said he was Captain this year and the oldest person on the team. “If we win this match, we’ll be serious contenders for the cup.”

 

“I’m-“

 

“Shut it Black. I thought we banned puns last year.” Fabian Prewett looked like he was about to hit Sirius so he clapped his mouth shut.

 

“Sorry it’s quite hard to remember what with my puns being banned from so many places.” Sirius said.

 

“Why don’t you just give up saying them, then?” Alexis Brook asked, somewhat exasperated.

 

“But James loves them so much, don’t you James?” Sirius said glaring at James.

 

“They’re my favourite thing about you, love.” James winked at Sirius.

 

“When you two have quite finished, I would quite like to get on with quidditch.” Martin sighed.

 

“Sorry.” James muttered.

 

Madame Hooch called the starting whistle again; they all flew to their places. The rest of the match was somehow slower than the first bit; it took another three hours for Frank to catch the snitch. The final scores without the snitch bonus were four hundred, to one hundred; it seemed not having a keeper really broke Ravenclaw’s whole defense. Sirius didn’t manage to knock down any more players but he did deflect a bludger from hitting Fabian Prewett in the arm. The thing about being a beater that Sirius loved so much was the fact that he could quietly do his thing and no one would comment on it after the match. It was like he wasn’t in the spotlight at all; it was nice. He was so used to having people gossiping about him that he rather get no glory at all in a quidditch match.

 

He was showering off when James announced that they should have a party. Sirius was always up for a party; the Hogwarts elves loved James and him. When he got out only James was left.

 

“Why’d you always take so long in the shower? I hope you’re not wanking in there, we all have to use them.” He said.

 

“It takes a long time to reach this level of perfection, Prongs, not that you would know.” Sirius flipped his hair.

 

“Sure, perfection.” James threw an old sock at him.

 

“Fuck you!” Sirius shouted as the sock landed in his hair.

 

“Whatever, you know how I really wanted to steal a snitch last year but I never go the chance?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Well, while you were in the shower, I walked back up to the pitch and the box was just sitting there. So I took it.” James opened his palm and revealed the tiny gold ball sitting there.

 

“James Potter you are utterly mental.” Sirius shook his head as he stared at the snitch whilst getting his trousers on.

 

“I know right, its so pretty Sirius and I’m pretty good at catching it if I do say so myself.” James said, letting the ball go and flicking his hand out to catch it again.

 

“I thought you said you were bored by seeker.”  


“Yeah, I’d never play the position in a match but on the ground its much more fun.”

 

“Sure. Anyway, don’t we have a party to nick food for?” Sirius started to walk out the tent.

 

“You go kitchens; I’ll grab the cloak and go to Hogsmede?”

 

“Sounds like a plan, man.” Sirius said shooting finger pistols at James.

 

“You’re an idiot, Pads.”

 

“Nah, I’m brilliant, me.” Sirius said before running off in the direction of the kitchens. “See you in a few, dude.”

 

“Wow that was three rhymes in one sentence, I’m impressed.” James drawled.

 

Sirius gave him the finger before he entered the Entrance Hall; he turned left to go down to the kitchens. When, walking down the stairs he bumped into Benjy Fenwick.

 

“Wow, Sirius, I was actually just going to find you and” he paused to lick his top lip. “Congratulate you on the match.”

 

“Thanks Benjy, but I actually have to go. I was just getting some food for a party back in Gryffindor, so maybe later yeah?” he said maneuvering round Benjy.

 

“Can’t I at least get a kiss or something?” Benjy smiled.

 

“You, sir, can always get a kiss.” Sirius pecked him on the lips.

 

“Maybe get me a cake or something?”

 

“Now that is asking too much.” Sirius cupped the other’s face quickly, but he didn’t hear the fast retreating footsteps that were hurrying up the stairs back in the direction of Gryffindor tower.

 

 

Sirius arrived back in the tower to find that the party was in full swing. James had taken the passage that ran straight to Honeydukes; so he’d arrived before Sirius (who’d had to duck behind a tapestry to hide from a passing Professor). Butterbeer and a fair amount of sweets where already flowing; so was the music from Remus’ muggle record player. His eyes scanned the crowd looking for a familiar crop of jet-black hair; instead his found mousey brown.

 

“Hey, Moony, did you see that hit. Knocked Anthony Boot right from his broom didn’t I?” he said, quidditch always put him in a good mood.

 

“Yeah, yeah you did, Pads. Well done.” Moony didn’t sound like he meant it though.

 

“Moony? What’ve I done now?” Sirius was never usually in Moony’s bad books; he was careful about hurting the other boy.

 

“Nothing, I’m sorry, you’ve not done anything. I’m just tired, you know.” Moony’s voice dropped to the usual calm tones.

 

“Oh good, for a minute I’d thought I’d pissed you off or something. Say, you’ve not seen Prongs anywhere, or Wormy for that matter?”

 

“Peter is up in the dorm, James brought him a whole load of Ice Mice; James is off trying to get Lily to go to Hogsmede with him next weekend.”

 

“What. An. Idiot. I don’t know why he doesn’t just give up on that one.”

 

“Alright, lads, anyone fancy a butterbeer.” James chose a few moments later to appear from the crowd. “And guess who’s got a date with Evans next weekend?”

 

“Uh give me a minute, not you?” Remus said.

 

“Oh man, Moony you wound me.”

 

“I’m right though, aren’t I?” Remus raised one eyebrow.

 

“Yeah. I don’t get it, why wont she go out with me?”  


“I don’t know James, why don’t you ask her.” Sirius chose that moment to jump in.

 

“I tried that last year. I just don’t understand women. Anyway, we’ve got a prank to plan; I think it’s high time we turned the whole of the Slytherins hair pink, don’t you?” James said.

 

“Sounds great. Why don’t you go to the library; Pads and I will go get Wormtail.” Remus jumped up and turned for the dorm.

 

“Alright. See you in a moment then, men.” James gave Sirius the hand pistols. “Two can play at your game mate.” He winked.

 

Sirius rolled his eyes and walked up the spiral staircase to the boy’s dorms. Inside he found Remus kicking Peter out, the blond boy still had a tail from an Ice Mouse hanging out his mouth.

 

“Tell Prongs we’ll catch you guys up. We’ll just be a mo.” Remus was saying as he pushed Peter out the door past Sirius.

 

“What’d you do that for?” Sirius said.

 

“Benjy Fenwick?”

 

“Who?”

 

“Don’t give me that bullshit, Sirius.” Remus sighed. “Benjy Fenwick, our year, Hufflepuff the one I walked in on you kissing earlier.”

 

“You weren’t supposed to see that.” Sirius sat down on Peter’s bed, trying in vain to avoid the sticky Ice Mice wrappers that littered it.

 

“I figured that out. Don’t worry though, I already had my suspicions; seeing you today only confirmed what I knew.” Remus paused and sighed again before going on. “Look I’m sorry I found out this way; I know you’d have preferred to do this on your own terms but I’m okay with it.”  
  
“Okay with what?”

 

“You and… other boys.”

 

“So you’re okay with the fact that I like snogging men?”

 

“Err yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?”

 

“Because everyone else says its wrong.”

 

“Benjy Fenwick wasn’t saying anything about it being wrong and I’m sure the others would be alright with it.”

 

“You’re not to tell them.”

 

“You’re going to have eventually, the rumours have been going about for years and James came to me last week to ask if I thought they were true.”

 

“Well, I’m not telling him before I have to. If I’d had a choice I wouldn’t have told you but it seems I don’t really get a say do I? Look Remus I appreciate you coming to tell me you know and you’re okay with it, but it’s something I’d really rather not discuss right now. I’m not really okay with it myself you know.” With that, Sirius got up and went to go and join James in the library, leaving a very shocked Remus behind him.


	2. Landed in a very common crisis.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains Sirius/James, this will probably be the only chapter to contain this pairing; its not really explicit but if you dont want to read it then read until its the 1st of December!! 
> 
>  
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING TRIGGER WARNING I AM PUTTING THIS IN CAPITALS BECAUSE THIS CHAPTER ALSO CONTAINS GRAPHIC VIOLENCE AND CHILD ABUSE!!!! PLEASE IF YOU GET TRIGGERED BY THIS SKIP THIS ONE OUT PLEASE!!!

_7 th November 1975. (Around 4am) _

_Vulnerability is the one thing I can’t stand. I can’t stand it when I’m vulnerable. I can’t stand it when other people are vulnerable. Just don’t. I blame my mother. Then I blame my mother for pretty much everything that’s ever gone wrong in my life. I think, today, was the first time I’ve ever felt vulnerable in front of James. It was because the one thing that I never wanted to happen ever, well, happened. He caught me snogging Benjy Fenwick, with Remus it was fine (with Remus everything is fine.) but James. James “have you eaten this morning, Padfoot? Have you done your charms homework Remus? Peter don’t forget you left your quill in the dorm.” Potter, is a whole other ball game. Godric, I didn’t even know he was out of the fucking common room. Benjy, and me well I broke it off with him after, but we had this favourite classroom. Its ancient runes, because no one ever uses it during the evening, well we were in there and then James walks by. The classroom has this glass panel on the door so he saw us and must’ve doubled back. I don’t think he realized it was me at first but when he did he made this noise and I looked to see him running off. It was awful. I couldn’t find him anywhere in Gryffindor Tower or the library. So I went and sat in the common room with Pete. Peter’s all right, he’s easy to talk to and so oblivious he didn’t notice I was half having a panic attack right there._

 

6th November 1975 (around 10pm)  

Sirius was having trouble breathing right. He was dizzy and clammy and there was this pressure on his chest that felt like half a ton of hippogriffs had decided to walk all over him. It felt like the walls of the Gryffindor common room were closing in on him, crushing him and squeezing all the air out of him. He was glancing around every ten seconds, looking from the portrait hole to the staircases. Peter didn’t notice anything was wrong, not until James Potter strode in and grabbed Sirius by the shirt, dragging him up to the dorm. Peter rolled his eyes and continued with his potions essay. He didn’t need any James and Sirius drama.

 

Up in the Gryffindor 5th year dormitory, Remus was sitting on his bed writing a transfiguration essay that was due the next day, he was totally unprepared for James and startled (spilling ink all over his bed and essay). James practically threw Sirius into the room (not caring to look at his best friend). He sat down on a bed and looked Sirius in the eye. Sirius was breathing hard, chest moving up and down rapidly; his eyes were wide and panicked.

 

“When?” James ground out.

 

“What?” Sirius tilted his head.

 

“When?”

 

“You what?”

“What James is trying to say is, when did you start snogging boys?” Remus spoke casually, not taking his eyes off his essay (he’d vanished the ink as soon as it had spilt)

 

“Oh.”

 

“Well?” James didn’t seem capable of more than word, his face was red; he hadn’t taken his eyes of Sirius.

 

“Um? I dunno, around err, last year or something.”

 

“So… these- these rumours are true?” James’ eyes widened.

 

“Erm, yeah, I guess so, yeah.” Sirius looked down at the wooden floor, eyes trained on a particularly interesting scrape that he thought may have been caused the time James had tried to fly out the window. (There had been a force field type incident that had resulted in James being thrown backwards, his broom scraping across the floor.)

 

“Right. Well. That’s fine then.” James slumped, seemingly exhausted on the bed (it was Sirius’).

 

“Good. Eh, Prongs?”

 

“Yeah Pads?”

 

“About that prank... we should probably work on it right?”

 

“Oh yeah, we’re doing it tomorrow aren’t we.”

 

“That’s the plan.”

 

“Well, you better get your arse over here then.”

 

Remus rolled his eyes and muttered something about them having more drama than the average couple. Sirius threw back a grin and a wink, nothing every escaped his ears.

 

7th November 5am.

 

Sirius Black sat on his bed, scribbling in his diary. He wasn’t sure why he kept a diary, just in one of the muggle leaflet things he’d read it said writing thoughts he couldn’t tell anyone would help. He was thinking about that evening, telling James about being gay had been one of things he was most scared to do. Now there was only one thing left to on the list he’d made at the beginning of term. Tell Moony he was in love with him. It was always there in the back of his mind, like a ghost, it never really faded. It was like wind, gushing through sometimes and other times it was just persistent breeze but it never left him. He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hands.

 

He had only just packed away his diary when he heard footsteps from the other side of the room. Remus peaked his head through the small gaps in the curtains.

 

“Hey.” He said.

 

“Hi.”

 

“I’m sorry, its just I thought you could use a hug or something and I didn’t want to embarrass you in front of James. So when I woke up and saw I light over here, I dunno-“

 

“You know what, Moony, I could use a hug. Thanks.” Sirius patted the bed next to him; Remus crawled in and opened his arms.

 

“I thought you were really brave today. I couldn’t have done what you did.”

 

“What did I do though?” Sirius hadn’t been brave at all; if James hadn’t caught him he never would have admitted it.

 

“You told the truth, it would have been easy to lie. From what James told me he only saw the back of your head; you could have easily lied your way out.” Remus shrugged, though Sirius didn’t regret telling his best friend, he certainly hadn’t been exactly ready.

 

“Yeah, yeah I guess I could have.”

 

“He still loves you, you know, you guys are practically brothers. He wouldn’t abandon you over something like this.” Remus smiled, in light of Sirius’ candle his face sort of glowed; the light glinted of his light brown hair.

 

“I dunno, Moony, its just the look on his face when he dragged me in- I mean. He looked like my parents when they found out.” Sirius shuddered slightly, enough for Remus to notice and cast a curious look at him.

 

“How did they find out though?” Remus was puzzled; Sirius wasn’t really the type to share things with his family.

 

“Reg.” Sirius almost seemed to choke on the word; his eyes widened in panic and his breathing started coming in short, sharp breaths that seemed almost painful.

 

“Sirius, Padfoot? Hey, hey I’m here; you’re in Gryffindor Tower. It’s okay, you’re safe.” It took almost ten minutes of calm, soft words to calm Sirius down enough so he could breath again. Remus didn’t talk even then, he let Sirius speak and it all came tumbling out.

 

“Reg told them he’d seen me snogging Benjy at the end of last year, I mean we weren’t exactly careful about where we met up. He showed them pictures one of the shitty little Slytherin wankers took of us, and everything. My parents aren’t exactly sparing with their beatings at the best of times. This time though, this was the worst I’ve ever had. My dad started, he-“ Sirius grit his teeth and seemed to force down vomit. “He – he’s always been more physical than mother, he took of his belt and, god – Remus the blood.”

 

Remus didn’t know what to do. Sirius was shaking in his arms, seeming to relive the moment over and over again.

 

“I have scars too now.” Sirius whispered. Remus froze, a tsunami of white-hot anger rushed through him.

 

“What?”

 

“I couldn’t heal the cuts, they were on my back and my parents refused. Reg’s too young to know how to heal and by the time the pain wore off enough for me to even look, they’d scarred.”

 

“Fuck, Sirius, turn around; show me, I know a few spells that could help.” Remus wasn’t prepared for the mess that was his friend’s back. He could make out about twenty or so separate scars, the rest met in some sort of star in the back. There was a word carved into the middle of Sirius’ shoulder blades _Toujours Pur._

 

“Always Pure. It’s the Black family motto. A nice little memento from mummy.” Sirius tried to act like it wasn’t a big deal but Remus could see the spots of water fall on the sheets.

 

“Shit. Mate, you really should go to the ministry about this-“  


“Ha! Beating has been going on in my family since I was little. There’s nothing the ministry could do. My family are too rich, too powerful; the ministry wouldn’t even bother opening a case.” Sirius scoffed.

 

“Okay, well at least go to madam Pomfrey. I’m not too sure I can deal with the worst ones.”

 

“Fine. I’m not telling her where they came from though.” Sirius felt a cool sensation on his back; from the corner of his eye he could see a blue sort of glow coming from Remus’ wand tip.

 

“There, that’s the smaller ones sorted out. Have you got any others?”

 

“Um, Bellatrix and her knife paid me a visit the other day.”

 

“Sirius. When? Is that where you disappeared to?”

 

“I didn’t mean to go that way, I though since we were out at night that they wouldn’t catch me. They did, Bellatrix had Crabbe and Goyle hold me down whilst she went to get her knife.” Sirius was rolling up the sleeve of his pajama shirt, he was visibly shaking. Remus saw carved there on his arm _Blood traitor_ the words were still bright red, only just scabbing over; still oozing blood.

 

“How did I not notice? How have you been hiding that?”

 

“I’ve been wearing a lot of jumpers. I mean, nicked a lot of your jumpers.” Sirius grinned slightly at that last statement; Remus didn’t even care that Sirius had stolen his jumpers.

 

“I don’t think I can do much about that, it looks cursed, by how long it’s taking to heal. Really, Sirius, I’m not joking I think you should go to Dumbledore. She can’t get away with this.” Remus traced the irritated skin around the cut, gently stroking Sirius’ hand trying to calm him down.

 

“If I go to Dumbledore that’ll mean she’s won. I can’t let her win. I can’t show her I’m scared of her.”

 

“Fine. Do promise me you’ll go to Madam Pomfrey about those scars; she’ll be able to help with them.”

 

“Yes, alright I’ll go to her.” Sirius smiled and buttoned up his shirt (he’d taken it off to show Remus his back.) his chest felt ten times lighter than it had done before he’d told Remus. The other boy’s comforting hand on his seemed to anchor him to the world, bringing him back to life, slowly. Not that he would ever tell anyone that.

 

“You could go to McGonagall.” Remus said.

 

“What? Why?” Sirius was confused, what could McGonagall do?

 

“She’s actually great to talk to. Did you know she took a course in mind healing? She’s qualified and everything. She won’t tell anyone you don’t want to know.”

 

“Good at everything that woman is, I swear.” He looked through the small gaps in the curtains and noticed the sun was rising slowly, peaking up over the horizon; he did feel a slight sense of guilt about the fact that Remus had stayed up all night to talk things through with him. The sense of relief he felt though was more powerful than anything else. “I’m sorry I kept you up all night.”

 

“I wanted to stay.” Remus said truthfully, shrugging his shoulders. “We could go to McGonagall now if you want. Its seven thirty, I’m sure she’d be up.”

 

“It’s a Saturday though, I wouldn’t want to trouble her.” Sirius was getting nervous now; his breathing was speeding up.

 

“You don’t have to tell her, but I think it could help.”

“I don’t know what I want to do, I’ll go to Pomfrey in the morning and then maybe I’ll tell McGonagall. I just, I think I need some time. I think I’d like to sleep now.” Sirius yawned, Remus understood; telling people about something traumatic that had happened to you was exhausting. Though he’d been bitten nearly ten years ago, it still hurt to talk about it.

 

***

1st December 1975.

It had been nearly month since Sirius had told Remus about how badly his parents actually abused him. He’d gone to see Madam Pomfrey who’d gasped at his scars but had not asked him a single question about how he got them, she’d just given him potion and lotion to take and apply every morning. The scars had almost faded now; he had been told to go back to the hospital wing in a month to check on progress, though he had one more week to go before that. He was walking up to the dormitory when he heard noises that sounded a lot like whimpering coming from inside. James was in there. He was sitting on his bed, head bowed; eyebrows knitted. He looked up as Sirius crept in; his face and eyes were red.

 

Sirius, who had only a few times felt the sting of vulnerability wash over him, was now watching James (who’d never in his life been vulnerable) crumple in front of him. He sat down on Peter’s bed and waited for James to speak.

 

“I love her.” He said.

 

“Yes?” Sirius knew he was talking about Lily Evans.

 

“I love Evans.”

 

“And?” Sirius had to admit he was quite confused, he’d thought James had worked this all out by their second year.

 

“I mean, I’m straight as a ruler right?” James’ voice quivered. Sirius knew, well he thought he knew where this was going.

 

“Uh, sure?”

 

“Then – then, why on this Earth do I keep thinking about you and Benjy Fucking Fenwick?” James all but shouted the last part of the question.

 

“Oh.” Sirius had been wrong; he had had no idea where the conversation was going.

 

“Yeah.” James laughed.

 

“Right.” Sirius took a deep breath. “Maybe you aren’t.”

 

“What?”

“Straight. Maybe you aren’t as straight as you thought you were. I know I thought I was straight until I was eleven. Maybe you’re only just discovering yourself now.”

 

“Oh.” James sighed, he looked, and well if Sirius was being truthful he looked bloody awful.

 

“Is this why you’ve been avoiding me for the past two weeks?”

 

“It might have been, yeah.” James said sheepishly.

 

“Well why the fuck didn’t you just tell me, Prongs?”

 

“I dunno, I thought if I didn’t see you as much the feelings would just go… or something.”

 

“For fuck’s sake Potter, things like this don’t just go away.” Sirius said, using James’ last name for the first time in years.

 

“Yeah, I figured that out thanks.” James almost laughed.

 

“Look, its totally fine that you’re having these feelings, everyone does. It’s healthy to question yourself.” Sirius moved to sit by James.

 

“I know. It’s just; it felt like the floor was taken from right under my feet. It was horrible, one minute I was confident in who I was and then the next I didn’t know what I was doing or anything.”

 

“I think that’s a bit of an overstatement there Jamie.” Sirius pulled James into a hug, once he made it clear that he was not going to flinch away.

 

“It’s really not.” James buried his head in Sirius’ chest. “You love him.”

 

“What?” Sirius said.

 

“Remus, you love Remus; I know, I could see it all this week. The way you look at him is the way I look – looked I guess, I dunno… it’s the way I look at Lily.” James explained.

 

“Yeah, yeah I think I do. Since Evans keep rejecting you and Remus is very much straight as a ruler, why don’t I help you figure this all out?”

 

James turned to Sirius with wide eyes. “Wouldn’t that be weird or something?”

 

“I dunno, do you think it would be weird?” Sirius brought his face closer to James’ and he whispered the last part.

 

“I’m not sure.” James was glancing down Sirius’ lips every five seconds. Sirius brought his hand up and cupped the other boy’s face, thumb ghosting over his cheek. The other hand came wrap around the back of James’ head, to pull him in closer. Their lips met. Sirius could feel James’ lips, he knew from simply seeing them every day that they were chapped but now he could feel how warm they were. James’ eyes fluttered shut after dancing around awkwardly for a few moments. Sirius smiled into the kiss when he saw this; James let a sigh, opening his mouth for Sirius to slide his warm tongue in. Their teeth clacked against each other’s for a moment, and then everything was righted. Sirius’ nose was touching James’ cheek, the skin was warm and smooth. James’ hand flailed for a minute before settling themselves around Sirius’ waist. The smell of the dorm was overpowered by a scent that was pure James, the only thing that Sirius could, touch, feel, taste, hear and see was James. Sirius shut his eyes and let the simple harmony of the kiss sweep him away.

 

A few heated minutes later, they came up for air, before bursting into laughter.

 

“Nope. Definitely not straight.” James said. Sirius laughed.

 

“I think I got that.” Sirius whispered, he pulled James in again, the other boy didn’t resist at all. “I think though, we really need to make sure.” He said into the other’s mouth.

 

“I agree.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!! I hope you guys enjoy this, I've not written actual Marauders era fics in a while so I'm just slowly getting back into it. Let me know what you think and leaving kudos gives me motivation to keep going!! Thanks again.


	3. Flicking Through a Little Book of Sex Tips.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tw: Non-graphic abuse, wolfstar heavy, generally quite nice stuff I think! Enjoy.

Remus P.O.V

The castle grounds were quiet at night, save for the occasional owl hoot. The two of us were walking down a hill just beyond the lake and the dark forest. We were close but neither of us moved apart. Then Sirius stopped suddenly and brushed a small twig from my hair. The movement was so simple and casual that, to an onlooker, we would have seemed very close. I, however, could detect a small whiff of teenage awkwardness that still hung in the air. It stunk in much the same way that two-week-old dirty socks do. I was, having lived in a dorm with three other boys for the better part of five years, quite the expert on two-week-old dirty socks. The funk of awkwardness that hung around us was doing its very best to destroy any semblance of a good mood I had managed to conjure up. Then there was Sirius with his hand in my hair, _oh,_ I thought. I was by no means one of the vapid, simpering girls that swarmed around Sirius and James (I really did lack in the vagina department, no matter how much James called me a “pussy”). Really, in all my sixteen years of life I had never been considered anything but intelligent. Yet, when Sirius Orion Black put his hands in my hair the only thought that ran through my head was _oh._ It seemed to me that circumstances changed and I was considering turning myself in to one of those girls that fawned over Sirius and James, despite the fact that neither of them had got a date with the object of their affections.

 

“Moony? You alright?” Sirius was now a ways away from me; he looked at me concerned.

 

“Peachy.” I sped up to catch him.

 

We had been walking around the grounds, trying to find a plant for a Herbology project. It was odd, to be partnered with Sirius, normally he went straight to James. Now though, the two seemed to be avoiding each other like the pox. This was strange in itself, but the looks Sirius had been giving James made it even weirder. I had to admit I was confused, they’d never been anything but brothers and now they barely even spoke a couple of words to each other a day. I’d tried asking them what was wrong but the answers they gave to me were non-committal at best. It was hard, having to dodge around them, whilst they played their silly game. In the end, whilst we were walking around out there I gave up letting him dodge around me.

 

“Sirius, what’s up with you and James right now?” I said, stopping him from walking with a hand on his arm.

 

“Nothing! Nothing’s wrong! Why would you think that?” he stumbled over his words, spitting them out too quickly.

 

“There’s something wrong, you’re avoiding each other like you’ve both got Dragon Pox or something. Just tell me what the hell happened?”

 

“Godric, fine. Sit down though, it’s a long story.” Sirius sat down on the slightly damp grass, just under the beech tree that we usually sat under.

 

He spoke for about fifteen minutes, barely breathing, looking down at his fingers that were clenched in a tight grasp; so hard they were turning an alarming shade of white. After he’d finished, with the whole making out thing he looked up at me. I think I must’ve looked fairly stupide just then, my mouth hanging open, and eyes wide with shock. I must admit I wasn’t expecting that.

 

“Oh.”

 

“Yeah.” Sirius laughed, hand coming up to scratch the back of his neck.

 

“I, erm. I’m sorry?” I really didn’t know what to say. Really, what do you say when you’ve found out the reason your best friends aren’t talking to each other is because they ended up making out.

 

“’S’not your fault. It’s just that we agreed it would change nothing; now it has and I feel like I’ve lost my best mate you know. Its just sort of shit.” Sirius sighed and wiped his hand across his face.

 

“We should probably get going, we’re out way after curfew. Did you nick the cloak or something?”

 

“What do you take me for, Mr. Moony? Am I not a professional rascal?” Sirius grinned; he stood up rather ungracefully nearly tipping forward onto his face.

 

“If there were to be anything you were a professional at, Mr. Padfoot, it would be being a rascal.” I grinned back at him, just as the light coming from the castle fell upon his face, seeming to brush it like feathers across still water. I’d never tell anyone that that was the moment, I think, that I fell in love with Sirius Black.

 

***

Third Person P.O.V

 

The next day we had DADA just before lunch; James and Sirius were being juvenile still so Sirius was sitting next to Remus. Remus rolled his eyes when he came into the classroom to see Sirius in Peter’s normal place. His annoyance faded slightly when he looked at the board to the see the topic they would be studying, though it didn’t fade to happiness; it faded to worry instead. Written on the board in Professor Huxley’s neat cursive was ‘The Unforgiveable Curses and their affects”. Sirius’s face, though he was obviously trying to maintain a calm image was drawn and almost wan. He kept glancing up at the board and then glancing down again as though he hoped the words would face. Remus took this as enough evidence that Sirius’ parents had used the unforgivables on him before. He was worried because this might cause Sirius to have one of his flashbacks; he knew that Sirius would die of embarrassment if he had one in class.

 

“Sir?” Remus raised his hand.

 

“Yes, Lupin.” Professor Huxley was kind and generally would allow students to do as they wished so long as they got the work done (if a student didn’t get the work done his detentions were the worst).

 

“Sir I really don’t feel very well, please can I go to the hospital wing?” Remus said, clutching his head.

 

“Yes you may, Black, go with him; go on, you boys can copy the notes from Potter and hand them in to me by Friday.” Professor Huxley waved his hand as they got up and exited the classroom.

 

“Thanks.” Sirius muttered, hand coming up to scratch the back of his neck again as they walked down the corridor.

 

“No problem, do you want to go back to the common room, we can always pretend we have a free or something?” Remus asked.

 

“Yeah sounds good. What do we have after?”

 

“Arithmancy. Why?”

 

“Wanna go to Hogsmede? I’m done for school for the day.” Sirius turned to him and grinned. “I could do with something to take my mind off things you know.”

 

“But, I like Arithmancy and –“ Remus didn’t have time to say anything else as he was dragged by the sleeve of his robe down the corridor towards the common room.

 

“Really Moony, old pal, you gotta learn to live a little.”

 

***

They stumbled back into the common at one in the morning. Neither wanted to go to bed just then though, instead they sat with their backs against the bottom of the sofa and stared into the fire that was crackling low in the grate.  Sirius could see the soot from the day’s fire that was now blackening the hearthrug. Remus was a deathly pale white, it being winter and freezing in the tower. The rain and wind had only just started in the first winter storm. The tower was creaking as the monstrous winds howled around it, shaking the windows in their panes and battering against the glass. Sirius and Remus had no idea where the other boys were, they weren’t in their beds and the common room had been empty since they’d arrived. No doubt that James had probably fallen asleep in the library (no matter how hard he tried to put on the face that he didn’t give a damn about grades). Now though it was far out of hours, curfew had been and gone and the castle was deathly quiet save for the whistling winds. The ancient stone fireplace lorded grandeur over the room, but the old sofa blackened and threadbare did its very best to portray a homier atmosphere. It had always been Sirius’ favourite place in the room; the contrast between grand and old fascinated him. They were passing a bottle of whisky between them (Ogden’s Fines of course), it was nearly empty having being drunk on the way back to school. The scene was so perfect it was almost cliché. Remus lent his head back as the last track on the record started to crackle and pop. Then all they could hear was each other’s muted breaths and the hammering of the rain on the window.

 

“They used crucio on me.” Sirius said.

 

“Oh.” Remus didn’t need to ask whom, though the subject of Sirius’ family had never come up that afternoon. Remus was more angry than sad that his predictions from earlier in the day had come true.

 

“Yeah, when I refused to take the mark, when I didn’t tidy my room, when I wore the wrong things, when I did this, when I did that. Then they started to smack Reg around a bit; I knew I had to stop that, that’s when it got worse. Then, the toe rag goes and tells them that he’s seen me snog Benjy in the corridors and they nearly kill me. I wasn’t gonna let that lie. So I burnt it.”

 

“Burnt what?” Remus looked at Sirius with that look in his eye, the one that Sirius knew mean his friend was worried about him.

 

“The library. I burnt down the library. I legged it right after. They’re not pressing charges or anything.”

 

“Shit.” Remus said and took a big mouthful of whisky.

 

“Yeah. Was fun though.” Sirius laughed and grabbed the bottle from Remus.

 

The portrait hole opened and James stepped. He looked at them for a minute before walking over to the other side of Sirius and sitting down by him; holding out his hand for the bottle.

 

“Where the fuck have you two been? You know I had to sit in Arithmancy by myself. I’m shit at Arithmancy and I need you there to copy off.” He said.

 

“Yeah well, you know I always copy off Moony.” Sirius shrugged.

 

“But still, I need you there so I can copy off you whilst you copy of Moony then.” James nudged Sirius shoulder.

 

“Um? I did not know you copied off me in Arithmancy?” Remus raised an eyebrow at Sirius.

 

“Of course I do. I copy off you in Ancient Runes as well, and Muggle Studies, and James what else do we copy off Moony in?”

“Care of Magical Creatures.”

 

“Oi! Careful.” Remus said. “Wouldn’t want to mess with a dark creature now would you?”

 

“I think Moons, unless its your time of the month, I’d take my chances with you rather than McGonagall any day.” James winked.

 

“Thanks. I’ll take that as a compliment.”

 

“Boys, have you got the hangover potions or do you need some of mine? Judging by the slurring I don’t think tomorrow morning is going to be much fun if you don’t take one, or maybe two.” James stood and offered his hand to Sirius.

 

“I might need one of yours, I think I used all mine.”

 

“I never had any in the first place.” Remus hadn’t really been planning on getting drunk enough to need one.

 

“Wow, Mr. Moony not being prepared. Who woulda thunk it eh?” James laughed as tried to look stern and Professor McGonagallesque.

 

“I’m not sure this exactly counts Prongs.” Remus quipped (well, slurred), standing up (unsteadily) and tottering (even more unsteadily) to the stairs. He looked at the bottom one for twenty seconds longer than was strictly necessary and proceeded to walk up to the dorm (worryingly unsteadily).

 

“Sure thing Moons. Hey Padfoot, I know I’ve been a pratt but I’m just really confused right now and-“

 

“Not another word mate. It’s okay; just don’t fuck with my head again. If you’re not interested I’d rather just move on.” Sirius sighed, he turned to look at James; his best friend had a sort of guilty look on his face that really told Sirius everything he needed to know.

 

“Mate, it’s just… I love Evans.” James said with a fervor that could only come out of someone trying to convince themselves that what they were saying was true.

 

“I know, Prongs, I know.” Sirius smiled and got up, wobbling slightly, leaving James sitting by the fire.

 

***

 

The next morning, things seemed to be back to normal in the 5th year boys’ dorms. Sirius groaned as he reached for the pepper up potion by his bed, the sun was peaking through the crack in his hangings; this was causing him some difficulty in opening his eyes. He rolled on to his side, only to half jump out of his skin when he realized he was facing Remus who was staring at him from about an inch away.

“Just checking you’re alive. I mean its twenty to, normally you’re up by now.” He said, grinning.

 

“Thanks Moony, I think I’m just about breathing. Wait twenty to what?” Sirius’ eyes widened.

 

“Eleven.” Moony grinned harder.

 

“You bastards! Why didn’t you wake me up?” Sirius gasped.

 

“Well you see, you looked so cute, James said we could just let you sleep.” Remus.

 

Sirius slapped him. Not hard, well not hard enough to leave a mark or anything. Remus was rolling on the floor laughing, holding his sides as if to keep his ribs from splitting. Sirius, in that moment, realized how much he was in love with this boy. James had been a distraction over past few weeks, but now he knew that was never going anywhere, his heart swelled with a desire so strong it burnt down everything else. He grinned as he stepped over Remus, taking the hangover potion as he walked to the bathroom.

 

***

 

Later that same day, Sirius was on his own for once, the rest of the Marauders were in Advanced Magical Theory (something Sirius pointed and laughed at). He had a good few minutes before his half hour Music class began. He had wandered down to the beech tree and was sitting with his back against the bark. It was one of those rare sunny days that never seem to come often enough during the cold Scottish winters. Before he could breath, however, a flash of red announced the arrival of someone wholly unexpected. Lily Evans was sitting next to him. Sirius laughed in his mind about what James’ face would do if he saw them.

 

“Evans.” He grunted, he had sufficient reason to dislike her.

 

“Black. I need to ask you something.” She said.

 

“Please, go ahead.” Sirius looked at her, a long strand of hair fell into his eyes.

 

“How could you tell if someone you know is being tempted by the dark arts?”

 

“This isn’t something to do with Snivellus is it?” Sirius grinned as the expressions that played on Lily’s face told him all he needed to know.

 

“No! Why would you think that?” She gasped as though she thought Snape could do no wrong.

 

“I’ve heard things.” Sirius shrugged, if she wouldn’t tell him whom it was he wouldn’t tell her anything either.

 

“What sort of things?” Lily was getting curious now; she had fallen into his trap perfectly. He would get the gossip she knew and she would get his honest opinion of her precious Snape.

 

“Things of the most unsavory nature. There’s a war coming, you see. Everyone is picking sides, not everyone at this school is going to pick the right side. It seems our dear Snapey friend is in the middle of choosing his own fate; I can’t see that ending up very well at the moment, can you?” he smirked, almost laughing, not in the way One would when One has made a joke.

 

“What?” Lily’s face fell.

 

“Ah so this is about Snape.” Sirius nodded.

 

“Yes, fine its about Severus. I’m worried about him; I mean I’ve told him to stop hanging out with Mulciber, Avery and Nott. He wont listen.” She looked at Sirius pleadingly.

 

“Tell me, Evans, does Snape flinch when you touch his left arm?”

 

“How am I supposed to know? He doesn’t let me close enough to touch him at all.” Lily sighed.

 

“Fine, does he tell you what he does with the others?”

 

“He tells me he sees your brother a lot. More than he should Regulus is two years below us; they should only see each other in common room, but Severus talks about him too much.”

 

“Looks like we’ve got ourselves’ another Death Eater, then. I’m sorry Lily it’s too late, I’d break off whatever you have with him. It’ll only end in you getting hurt if you don’t.”

 

“That’s it then? Five years of friendship and he goes and does this?”

 

“Yup.” Sirius shrugged, there was nothing he could do, and by the sounds of it Snape was a Death Eater already. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a guitar to shred.”

 

“Wait, you said about his left arm? Why his left arm?”

 

“That’s where they get marked. The Death Eaters. They get a mark put on their left arms. It’s got a skull and a snake going through it. It hurts when you touch it.”

 

“How do you know?” Lily said, curiosity entering her voice again.

 

Sirius smiled sadly. “I watched Regulus get his.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there!! Thanks for reading! I think I'm starting to get more into this story, I'm enjoying it a little more than I was earlier. Please comment and tell me how you think I'm doing with it!! Kudos is greatly appreciated too... 
> 
> Thanks again!


End file.
